How to Stop Being a Victim of Your Own Stress

I am not talking about average daily stress, I am taking about the insidious stress that we intentionally put upon ourselves each time we recall an event, experience, or person from our past. We hold onto grudges fiercely, then repeat and repeat the stories over and over in our minds. These are the stories that when recalled, bring you right back to that time and place to feel the emotions, the feelings, and even to the very taste in your mouth reinforcing your grudge.

These worn out, overplayed stories carry with them hidden open wounds and hidden hates as we secretly keep them to ourselves, blaming everyone and causing amplified stress to our whole being. Who are we all trying to fool?! The person we are holding a grudge against and blaming in our story is probably sunning their self on the beach in Morocco or enjoying a romantic dinner with their significant other, oblivious to the ranting in our head. They still have no idea that we are angry, they are not participating, and therefore we are the ones creating our own stress.

We all have these stories and some carry on for years. For me, it took five years or more to forgive my ex-husband for cheating on me, and I will tell you, I had so many stories that I could have written 100 books. In each one, I was the starring stressed-out victim.

I tried to forgive so many times, but to no avail. Why does it take so long to forgive, to truly release and let go?

There are many reasons and many times the answers are hard to accept. The list below is the many reasons I could not let go of my stories and you may be able to relate as well.

 I preferred to be right instead of happy.
 Unconsciously, I secretly loved to blame because it pointed my finger outward instead of inward where the real problem lied and I did not want to take responsibility for my own thoughts.
 My ego that loves to blame, screamed so loudly that it was all I heard. At the time I was not aware that I was making that choice of my ego.
 I was fearful to really explore my inner world.
 I was taught conditional and special forgiveness. I later learned that this type of forgiveness kept me in a continual cycle of blame and stress.

I learned that true forgiveness is a process and a new way to see and heal. I was taught true forgiveness through A Course in Miracles.

In a nutshell, for most of us, we are taught to forgive that when an event happens with another person, when we feel we have been wronged, the other person is made to be the bad person. Typically, we are taught to take the “high road” (I will forgive you, but, I am right, and you are still wrong). We outwardly forgive that person and then forget it all happened, but secretly, in our inner recesses, we view that person burning in hell for all eternity. Then, we feel guilty for wishing that person to burn in hell for all eternity.

The next step for many people, is the bargaining session between yourself and God to alleviate the guilt running rampant though your head. Guilt and fear overtake your whole being because now you are viewing yourself burning in hell for all eternity for wishing this on someone else. And we wonder why we are stressed?

True Forgiveness and the Benefits
When you practice true forgiveness, you get in touch with your Higher Self and you are willing to see with its eyes through the false images of your ego. You accept that your Higher Self sees the person you are angry with, as their true essence, unconditional love, unending peace, expanding joy and in Oneness at all times. You accept this about yourself as well.

You remember that you are never upset for what you think you are upset about. You recognize the reflection of what is unconsciously in your ego. You agree to allow your Higher Self to shine healing light and remove those thoughts from your mind.

 While true forgiveness is simple, it is not easy. It’s not easy, because we have been operating with our ego for so long that this change of perspective is uncomfortable and our ego hates it. Our ego loves to blame and does not want to be found out.

 The benefits of practicing true forgiveness are endless and lead to inner peace, love and joy. Stress is dramatically reduced and at times eliminated.

COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Reprint allowed ONLY with written permission.

excerpt from Stress Out, show stress who's the boss Chapter excerpt, Forgiveness, by Nancy Miiller (c)
Self Investment Publishing
ISBN#9780981523835

Proceeds from STRESS OUT^™ books benefit selected charities.
YOU designate your favorite charity on checkout.

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Stressed? Take a nap.

A new study published in the Journal of Applied Psychology finds that procrastinators handle work-life stress better than motivated people.

This new study finds that those who cope with work-family conflict by becoming busier and looking for more resources to solve problems – type-A multitaskers — actually experience more stress.


The study also says that people who avoid problems, who withdraw and, perhaps, lie down and take a nap instead of tackling dilemmas right away, actually do better with life conflict, and seem to have more energy, says the study. 


Previous studies indicated that people who take time to remove themselves from the stressful situation and close their eyes in meditation also recharge themselves.


And although having a support group of loving people around you is the number one stress protector, it can also increase your stress. If you use your support group to rehash and repeat the problem, you have no release and instead increase the feelings of helplessness, frustration, anger and stress.


Stressed? Take a minute to breathe deeply; close your eyes and visualize something peaceful or a happy memory. Breathe in fully and exhale slowly during this time and feel and see your stress resilience increase.

DON’T COMPARE - YOU are awesome, unique and amazing

excerpt from Stress Out, show stress who's the boss

      Every year I receive several email messages, PowerPoint presentations, videos or poems all created and forwarded over and again. Some of these messages are cute, some incite feelings of love and compassion, and one that seems popular tells you to compare yourself to others. Such as: If you have (certain things in your life), that someone else doesn’t have …. you should be grateful (that you are not them, have more then them, are doing better off than them, etc).

“I had the blues because I had no shoes
until upon the street; I met a man who had no feet.”

~ Anonymous ~

      Every time I hear this quote, it sounds to me like an expressing judgment of “I am better than” against the person with no feet. I get the same feeling when I get those emails that tell me I am more blessed than people with illnesses, imprisonment, lack of food, in countries where they are persecuted, and so on. In a society that judges others for having less than, and that success is measured by how much stuff you have, this feels to me like: I am better than you because I have feet (health, food, etc), so I am grateful that I am better than you and I am not you.  Yikes!

      Many of us have been raised with comparisons, from our grades in school to the family next door. As an adult, is it helpful or hurtful to your stress level to compare yourself to someone else?  Some people believe it is an unchangeable natural human physiology, others believe it gives them a competitive edge. Perhaps. A few people shared that when they compare themselves to someone else; it gives them a lot of wiggle room. If they find faults in the other person, then it relives them of having to work so hard. It clears them of having to make an effort to change something in their behavior, even if that change might benefit them. But these people also admitted that guilt that comes with this rationalization and this guilt also causes them stress. I also heard that most people who compare themselves to others, always fall short somewhere, and they are more stressed in their attempts to be as good as someone else. The more you compare yourself to others, the more stress you will create in your life every time you see someone who has more…does more… is more (in your opinion) …  than you.

      Dr. Robert A. Emmons, A UC Davis psychologist, conducted a 10 week research in the psychology of gratitude. In one of his studies the participants were asked to list what they were grateful for compared to what they weren’t happy about in their lives. In another study they were asked to list what they were grateful for where thought they were better off than others.

      The results showed that those who expressed gratitude without comparing themselves as “better than or better off than someone else” were significantly happier than those making comparisons between themselves and others. It’s difficult to be stressed when you’re grateful and feeling happy.

      From another study on self esteem: a dangerous silent damage to your feelings of self worth is created and intensified when you compare yourself to being better off or more successful, or more of anything than someone else. By practicing the habit of comparison when you are feeling happy with yourself or your life, you are establishing the foundation for feelings of lack of self worth when you don’t measure up to any comparison in the future. The inherent problem with this habit is that then takes considerably more effort to repair your feeling of lack which can contribute to stress levels and difficulty in regaining levels of success in chosen areas of your life.

      A person who can see their unique qualities, success and strengths without the need to compare themselves to anyone other than themselves are found to be emotionally stronger, and less prone to react in stress, when facing difficult decisions and occurrences.

      And since we can only hold one emotion at a time, when we are happy we are not stressed.

YOU are awesome, unique and amazing

“What you are accomplishing

may seem like a drop in the ocean.

But if this drop were not in the ocean,

it would be missed.”

~ Mother Theresa ~

      According to a UCLA psychological research study, self-affirmations can be a very good combat against stress. In another scientific study they also found that when their test participants wrote self affirming values, their self-perceptions were positively increased; their ability to succeed at learning increased and many other long term benefits.

So take time today to affirm: YOU are awesome, unique and amazing

COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Reprint allowed ONLY with written permission.

excerpt from Stress Out, show stress who's the boss
Self Investment Publishing
ISBN#9780981523835

Daily Handbook for 2011

Health:
1.       Drink plenty of water.
2.       Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3.       Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4.       Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5.       Take time for your spiritual guidance.
6.       Play more games
7.       Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8.       Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9.       Sleep for 7 hours.
10.     Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11.    Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12.    Don't hold onto negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13.    Don't over do, unless its kindness.
14.    Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15.    Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16.    Dream more while you are awake
17.    Envy is a waste of time. It gets in the way of enjoying what you have, and the gifts that will come.
18.    Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your loved ones of their mistakes of the past. That will interfere with your present happiness.
19.    Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. You don't have to love them, you can be neutral.
20.    Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21.    Happiness is an inside job, you have the control.
22.    Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.  Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23.    Smile and laugh more. Studies show we need 12 laughs a day  to stay healthy.
24.    You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree and both can be right.

Society:
25.    Call your loved ones often.
26.    Each day give something good to others.
27.    Forgive everyone for everything. You cannot change them. Holding a grudge is like a cancer, it can kill you.
28..   Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of  6.
29.    Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30.    What other people think of you is none of your business.               
31.    Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life: 
32.    Do the right thing!
33.    Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34.    Celebrate your successes and learn from your mistakes.
35.    However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36.    No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37.    The best is yet to come.
38.    When you awake alive in the morning, be thankful for it.
39.    Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy. 
40.    Read and Repeat often.

Original author unauthenticated.

Stress is a constant in our lives, such a constant that we actually don’t realize we are under stress, we think it’s “just part of life.” A little of this stress can help keep you on your toes, ready to rise to a challenge. Too much stress can harm your attitude, your motivation and your health – it can age you and it can kill you.  Traffic jams, deadlines, eating on the run, we stress when we have bills to pay, job changes, endless chores and too many errands. Our job has stress, not having a job has stress, it’s stressful maintaining your weight, having a relationship is stressful, not being in a relationship is stressful, family responsibilities are stress, and all those other demands on you can be huge amounts of stress. Not to mention those people who really get on your nerves. Our energy is drained, and we feel helpless. Health surveys report that over 70% of people feel stress everyday. You are not alone.  After searching for easy and workable solutions Sumner Davenport brings together co-authors, professional counselors, coaches, stories & testimonials to provide a variety of solutions to stress in her best selling book, Stress Out, show stress who's the boss.

                 Proceeds from STRESS OUT^™ books benefit selected charities

Parents' stress can take a toll on their kids.

A recent study reported in The Los Angeles Times indicates that children may be more aware of--and more reactive to--mom and dad's stress levels than previously suspected. Even very young children, which the study defined as those under the age of eight, reported increased feelings of sadness, worry and frustration due to their parents' stress levels. What's more, as children get older, their reactions to mom and dad's elevated stress levels may increase. "Even though children know when their parents are stressed and admit that it directly affects them, parents are grossly underestimating the impact that their stress is having on their children," psychologist Katherine C. Nordal says in the association's report on the survey. Check out the findings at the Stress in America" survey A graphic on how parents' stress affects children from the "Stress in America" survey. Psychological Assn.)

Lower your family's stress levels with RELAXING RHYTHMS guided by Dr. Deepak Chopra, Dr. Andrew Weil and other leaders!

Stress is a constant in our lives, such a constant that we actually don’t realize we are under stress, we think it’s “just part of life.” A little of this stress can help keep you on your toes, ready to rise to a challenge. Too much stress can harm your attitude, your motivation and your health – it can age you and it can kill you.  Traffic jams, deadlines, eating on the run, we stress when we have bills to pay, job changes, endless chores and too many errands. Our job has stress, not having a job has stress, it’s stressful maintaining your weight, having a relationship is stressful, not being in a relationship is stressful, family responsibilities are stress, and all those other demands on you can be huge amounts of stress. Not to mention those people who really get on your nerves. Our energy is drained, and we feel helpless. Health surveys report that over 70% of people feel stress everyday. You are not alone.  After searching for easy and workable solutions Sumner Davenport brings together co-authors, professional counselors, coaches, stories & testimonials to provide a variety of solutions to stress in her best selling book, Stress Out, show stress who's the boss.

"The best executive is the one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it." ~ Theodore Roosevelt ~

What could be disturbing your sleep and causing you stress?

by Jerylyn Draker
co-author, Stress Out, show stress who's the boss

excerpt chapter: Get enough Sleep

       It is no secret that the everyday stress of life, work, family and other commitments can wear someone out. But what do you do when all you want to do is get some rest, but you can't fall asleep or stay asleep? According to a National Sleep survey, almost half (48 percent) of Americans report lying awake at night due to stress.

        I had trouble sleeping, not from my thoughts but from the constant ringing in my ears.  My doctor diagnosed it as tinnitus and offered me medication to lessen it. The medication not only didn’t work, I felt nauseous when I took it. I felt I was doomed to hear this disturbing noise every night. I tried white noise machines and soft music, but they couldn’t drown out the ringing in my ears. Some nights were worse than others. One night when I couldn’t sleep, I landed upon a medical show on TV and they were discussing tinnitus and some of the potential causes and habits that made it worse. Although the cause of mine has never been diagnosed, I took notes on some of the recommendations I heard from this show. 
     There was a great deal of comments made about the relationship of food and nutrition to the intensity of tinnitus. Amongst list of potential culprits, I recognized a few in my life. Caffeine was at the top of the list, and between my coffee and my diet cokes I always had something I was sipping on all day. Between my coffee and my diet coke, I was consuming a lot of caffeine every day. When I quit smoking, I substituted coffee and diet coke as my addiction and bandaid for stress. I was drinking a huge amount of fluids, but very little of it was plain water. Alcohol was another one listed by these doctors as a contributor to the existing problem, and on nights when I couldn’t sleep from the noise, I had a few drinks to help me sleep. Vitamin deficiency and especially B12 was also high on the list. Vitamins were something I took on a hit and miss basis. I made the decision to control these three things and see what would happen. 
     I didn’t believe I could do it all at once, so I made a schedule where I cut back a little more each day. I made little baggies of my daily vitamins and made sure B12 was among them and I switched to decaf coffee. I didn’t want to stop all my caffeine right away, so I after a few days I started to trade some of my diet cokes for soda with a squeeze of orange juice for sweetness and flavor.  I cut back my alcohol to having one occasionally and mostly only on weekends with friends over dinner. 
     It took me a few months to change my habits and eliminate the caffeine and some chemicals from my body, but now whether I’m stressed or not I sleep more peacefully with no ringing in my ears. 
     In talking with my friends, I discovered I wasn’t the only one with this problem, and when they made changes in their habits they also saw a difference in their ability to sleep better.

You can learn more about Jerylyn Draker in the Stress Out, show stress who’s the boss book
Proceeds from Stress Outs books can benefit your favorite charity

Bubbles

Remember the carefree days when you were a kid playing? One of many children’s favorite toys over the years has been bubbles.
   There are several mentions of children blowing bubbles, in stories and historical paintings, using ruggedly made devices.
   Prior to the 20th century, children discovered their mothers’ leftover washing soap was fun to use to blow bubbles.  In the early 1900’s bubbles gained popularity when they were first packaged and sold as a toy
    If you were a child of the 60’s you might remember bubbles as a symbol of peace and harmony.  The air was filled with bubbles as a symbol of peace and “flower power”, instead of war. Bubbles were one representation of the flower children during that time.
    Today, bubble solution is the best selling toy in the world!  Millionaires have been made from various bubble blowing devices and solutions. One man has made a career as the world’s largest bubble blower.
   Blowing bubbles require you to breathe deeply and you create something beautiful in your exhale with the bubbles.
  When I was a volunteer Guardian ad Litem with the Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA) for the Los Angeles Superior court, I spent much of my time in the children’s protective area with them as they waited anxiously for their individual time in the courtroom.  Part of my responsibility was to assist them in knowing that they were not to blame and feeling as safe as possible when they faced the judge. Most of the children were scared and several kept quietly to themselves, and others were crying. One particular day I took a small bottle of bubbles with me and sitting with the child I was responsible for, we took turns blowing bubbles.  In a matter of minutes we were surrounded by almost all of the other children and they wanted to blow bubbles too. We all shared in the bubble blowing fun and some of the tears were turned to laughter. Although the children still were fearful of the situation they were in, the moments they spent blowing bubbles and laughing relieved the stress in the room. Some of them actually walked to the courtroom with a smile on their face.   So keep a bottle of bubbles handy. Most toy stores still sell them for under a dollar. Surprise yourself, and maybe a few other people, by blowing a few bubbles the next time you feel stress. You might remember how fun this really is.
  If you don’t have any bubbles handy, you can pretend and still see some positive results. Hold your thumb and first finger as if you were holding a bubble blower. Blow over the top of these two fingers as if the bubble blower circle was there at the top of your fingers. For extra emphasis, you can close your eyes and visualize the bubbles floating away and popping the air.

excerpt from Stress Out, show stress who's the boss. #ISBN978-098152383
Available on Amazon

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May only be reprinted with written permission.